The pressure of getting to know someone, of similarities and opinions, and dating just seemed like too much for me.
Every comment and conversation with the opposite sex was full of second guessing, re-thinking the words bouncing around in my head. Is it funny enough? Spiritual enough? Me enough?
It’s easier to say I’m taking time for myself. I want to really know who I am before I get into a relationship. I want to feel secure and confident in this person that I am to be in any situation securely. How will I respond to politics? How do I truly feel about the issues towering over our society- same sex marriage, abortion, black lives matter, etc..
How do I know what I truly want from my life at 24? Do I want to travel, be a writer, be a lifelong teacher, be a mom, work for a non-profit, be a politician, a college professor, who knows what else I could think I want to do at some point in my life? “Wife” was not a title I imagined having for a long while.
But here I am. Wife to Colton. Married. We’ve been at this thing now for five months. I realized today that our first thanksgiving we were dating, our second one we were engaged, and now we are married. We have known each other for so little, and yet we are building this life together. We are each other’s person- the one who knows us best in this world, the one we feel most ourselves around, the one we know and yet still have so much to learn.
I’ve heard people say it often- that they sometimes stop and it hits them that they are married to this person they are staring at, and the same rings true for me. However after that thought comes another- marriage is so good. Its changing me, subtly and softly, to the point where I look back even a month before we got married and I feel so different there and now. It happens slowly, in the everyday and in the promises we made and continue to make to each other. You are my first family now and we are in this together, always.
Its the always that is changing me, the steady and secure. Colton and I have talked openly about divorce and excuse me in my naïveté of five months of marriage, but it not being an option is the security I cling to. Its the freedom to say exactly whats on my mind without the fear of scaring him off. Its the freedom to share hopes and dreams of what our life could look like and pursue what makes us most happy and fulfilled. Its the freedom to disagree and think more deeply about things we are still thinking through. We get to grow together. I don’t have to know exactly who I am or will be in every situation, because we are finding that out together.
I’ve been thinking about this, and how similar it is to how God loves us and what drew me to him. His never changing nature and love regardless. Not that He is always comfortable and there to make us happy, but that whatever the circumstances, He loves. Whatever our thoughts and our challenges, He loves. He has given me the freedom to challenge myself on my own beliefs and to question, but still know that He loves me and is always there.
While He might not always be safe, He is always good. While marriage might not always be the fun, easy ride its been for the first bit, it will always be good.