grace or the good girl ~ week 2.

If I could pick one book (other than the Bible) and hold it up while dancing around and screaming “Hallelujah!”, this book would be it.

Each new chapter I read, I let out a long sigh. Emily’s words bring to light what I have been fighting for so long, and by grace, those chains are being loosened.

So lets get into it shall we?

How are you doing today?

Emily talks about hiding behind the “fine” that is the normal “good girl” answer. Not too overbearing, has everything together, and is “fine” through it all. Sometimes we really are “fine”, but a lot of the time it suffocates the words that really want to come out. It allows fear to rule. I hide behind fine, because who wants to hear all the junk rattling around in my head? Thats where the bulk of my battle is. I don’t have a lot of actual drama in my life (Praise the Lord), but my struggles with insecurity are just as real. Hiding behind the fine is easier and more comfortable than trying to let you in to the craziness of my head.

But the hiding, is still hiding. And hiding is not growing. Hiding is not grace. I don’t have to hash out every detail when someone asks how I am, but I can share more than “fine.”

Being confident to share more reassures that my identity is in Christ alone. My identity is not in what anyone else thinks of me or even what I think they think of me. It’s not in what I’m doing to be a “better Christian” or how “good” my answers are.

On Pg. 65 Emily writes, “Anything we do to get life and identity outside of Christ is an idol, even service to Christ. He doesn’t want my service, He wants me.”

These chapters revealed to me how much I have been focused on pleasing God instead of being in a relationship with Him. I was so wrapped up in what I was going to do for the Kingdom thinking that was what God wanted from me. And as a good girl, it had to be perfect. Yes God has a plan for me, but God is not a business. He didn’t create us to simply do His work on this planet. That work comes from the overflow of praise we have for Him, once we know Him.

Who am I to think that if I don’t do something, its not going to get done? I can’t do everything, but God can. My identity is not in what I do or don’t do, but rests in what Christ has already done for me.

He doesn’t want my to-do lists or plans, He wants me to trust Him.

“But once I trust God, pleasing Him is automatic.” -pg. 65

He simply wants me. Me with all my messiness. Me with all my insecurity. Me.

I will rest in that.

 

grace for the good girl.

I mentioned a few posts back about a book I was reading. A book that made me want to scream with every part of me that has fought for so long to be “good.” A book that put words to the false feelings of inadequacy, to the fear of being overbearing, and to the worry about doing the “right” thing.

This next month and a half or so I’ll be joining hundreds of other women diving into grace for the good girl by emily p. freeman, and I couldn’t be more excited. So many good girls tired of trying to beat the inner battle raging inside coming together. So many good girls learning to walk in the grace that is only found in Christ.

This first week we’re discussing the first three chapters. I highlighted and underlined no less than half of each page. It talks about hiding behind this good girl mask that makes us feel comfortable. Good girls don’t make waves, they do whats expected, or even better they go above and beyond to try and impress with their “goodness”. They don’t want to be a burden or express any sign of weakness, they want to have it all together. But inside they are struggling. They never think they are good enough.

This is me. I’m a good girl.

I’ve never had a desire to be anything else. I’ve never just wanted to be rebellious. But my desire to be good trumps everything else. I hide in the identity of being the “good Christian” instead of the identity of me.

Hannah- Daughter of the Most High King. Redeemed by the blood of Christ. Forgiven. Free. Inseparable from the love of God. Cherished. Beautiful. Enough.

My desire to be good has grown a fear in me. A fear that tells me I’m not enough. I’m not pretty enough, I’m not bubbly enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not a good enough daughter, sister, student, christian.  Thats when we lose sight of love. God did not give us the spirit of fear. Any fear we have is not from Him. He is love.

“Fear drives.

But Love leads.”

-pg. 19

Love calls us into grace. Love gives us that identity that sets us free from that good girl hiding place. Love leads us to the arms of Christ. Love leads.