day nine: to lay down

I’m a good rule follower. And I’m bad at lying about it. You’ll know because I’m laughing, or hiding. (Usually the first)

My dad was holding a half eaten slice of cheese and my brothers and I were standing in a line. “So, who did it?” He asked, holding the cheese wrapper between his fingers.

I didn’t do it. At least, I don’t think I did. But I laughed anyway and my dad thought I did. I just kept laughing.

Memories like this pop in and out of my head, times I did something wrong or even just had the feeling of doing something wrong, and I laugh or hide. I like following rules. I like feeling “on top of things” and checking things off my to-do list.

But healing doesn’t come through a to-do list.

 

Healing doesn’t come in good report cards or a full schedule. Healing comes in surrender, in laying down the very things that we think define us. We must lay down the law, the idea and picture of what “good” looks like, the rules we’ve created in our heads, how others tell us to live. We must lay down our desires, even the desire for healing. We die to ourselves, through Christ. our old bodies don’t need healing anymore, they are dead.

We surrender, we lay down, we die. We arise in Christ and allow Him to cover us in grace, knowing the law has no affect on these new bodies. We walk in that surrender and that newness, each day. This is where we are healed.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died for nothing.” 

Galatians 2: 19-21

day four: leading

It feels like new territory I’m entering. The idea of being healed. It always sounded nice, but there are some big things that come with that word. Like, that means laying down old stuff. It means being open about it, all the time. And thats scary.

I’m not there yet.

But the yet, thats where I lean in to hope. The “yet” tells me I have more to walk and more to learn, so much to learn. The “yet” reminds me that I am not in this alone, and that He is still leading me.

He knows my fear of laying down habits which were used for comfort. He knows the times I’ve told Him I would start over, that “this was it” and yet, He’s still here. The good girl in me gets caught up in how many times I think I’ve failed, focusing on all that I haven’t done. But my Good and Gracious God thinks of all that He is bringing me to and the love He is continually pouring on me.

I forget His kindness because I’m too focused on me. The times I fall short and feel too broken. But I look to His kindness and it leads. It  leads to repentance, it leads to healing.

“Or do you despise the riches of His kindness, restraint, and patience, not recognizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” 

                                                         -Romans 2:4

to the weekend we go.

The rest continues as I move into the weekend. After work today, I’ll be preparing to head to the beach. FSUCRU has their leadership retreat this weekend and I’m so excited I get the opportunity to go.

Retreats are always a little challenging for me. I have to constantly remind myself to breath. That I have nothing to prove because I am already made whole. I have to calm my nerves and remind my heart that it could never be made any fuller by other people’s approval. Even with brothers and sisters in Christ, I have to silence the urge to compare. My goodness, what would I do without grace?

 

So, I’m entering the weekend reminding myself of my roots in Christ, roots that can always grow deeper, roots that grow the most with rains of grace. I’m entering this weekend surrendering my fears and choosing to be present.

I hope your weekend is filled with rest. I hope you’re reminded of your roots, and how much you’ve grown. I hope you are found in a moment of awe at the ability to surrender.

To the weekend we go!

 

moments over fear.

Sometimes the reason I don’t blog is because I have so much that I want to talk about. Sometimes trying to push through all the branches in my head and try to make a coherent picture seems too exhausting. So I keep the picture hidden, until I have the courage to push through. But nothing comes out of fear.

I mentioned in my last post how I was trying to be more relaxed about what I was eating. To soak in the moment and so savor whats on my plate. In the very full day at Universal with my seven other family members on my dad’s side (we were missing my oldest brother), I remember moments. When I look back I’ll think of waiting in the blaring sun for a show that lasted ten boring minutes. I’ll hear my brother yelling “POOP” when the lights went out. I’ll remember the two hour wait talking to an older guy for a kiddy-minute roller coaster. I’ll remember the butterbeers, my first bite of fish in three years, calling my brother a piranha, meaning paria, and getting to spend the day with my family (we missed ya Ben!). We laughed, we sweated, we whined (some more than others 😉 ), and we made memories.

 

I didn’t think about what I was going to eat all day. I didn’t worry about how many calories were in the Butterbeer (I don’t even want to know) or that there weren’t any super healthy choices. And that can be a little scary for me. Not obsessing about it means that I have to be present, allowing myself to not hide behind food. Now, it was a little easier because it was with my family, but for me that was a perfect place to start.

So I don’t know exactly what this means from here on out. But I know I’m going to feed my soul first. In The Word, and in moments that fill it up. I’ll move and exercise because it make me fell good and strong, not out of obligation. I’ll eat out of response to caring for my body, foods that are good for me and good for the environment. Choosing to let grace cover the legalistic thoughts that tell me I should do otherwise. I’ll choose moments over fear, grace over hiding. I’ll choose Him, and let the rest fall where it may.

deep breath.

My crazy six weeks of summer classes is over! Now I have a little break at home before I head back to Tally for work and getting ready for the fall semester.

I took five days off from work so I could celebrate on of my best friends birthday and then come home for a few days. There really is nothing like being around family. I got to see my dad preach this morning, and tomorrow the whole gang is waking up bright and early to spend the day at Harry Potter World in Universal. I’m pretty excited. I’m not taking one moment of this time for granted, just soaking it all in and be refreshed before I go right back into craziness.

 

I’m trying to give myself a break, trying to let the thoughts of should and should nots slip away. Letting those lessons about grace continue to take root so I can take a deep breath. Last week after making yet another list of what I was going to do to “get back on track” I decided to rip it up. I tore that list to shreds and stuffed in the garbage. And then I took a deep breath. And then I ate the bagel with cream cheese my teacher brought for the class. And then I had (veggie) sushi with friends and fro-yo. And then I didn’t work out for a week.

I felt the urge to make another list. To swear off sugar, to eat only veggies. But I took a deep breath and remembered grace. Its only been a small step, but in letting a little grace in that part of me I’ve been able to exhale. I’ve been able to not feel crazy about the food that was in front of me and enjoy my moments. My veggie consumption wasn’t as high as it normally is, and I might be a little bloated (tmi? 😉 ) but I’m okay with that while I’m learning.

I’ll eat lots of leafy greens again. I’ll eat less sugar. I’ll feed my body so I can feel good. I’ll learn to eat those so I can feel good in mind and body, so I can be in the moment regardless of whats on my plate. But above all, I will choose grace.

And tomorrow, I’m havin a Butterbeer.

 

right now.

sigh.

I’m done telling myself that I’m going to blog regularly.

The only reason I’m blogging right now is because I’m procrastinating the homework that has been haunting me all day.

sigh.

But I’m here now, so {hopefully} I’ll make the most of it!

In fact, thats what I want to talk about. Being here. Right now.

At the beginning of the summer, I talked a lot about the anxiety I had over the future. What I would do, where I would be, and most importantly, would it matter? I wanted (and still do) to feel like I was doing something, something important. I long to be on the front lines, so to speak, of my faith. Living in a hut, in a village with no electricity, with the homeless, with the sick, with the orphans, to see God move.

I know in my head that getting a degree is important, and that it will help me do whatever I’m going to do, but my heart longs for more. Thats it though, its my heart that longs for more. Its my need to feel needed and used and important and valid, that has me longing. Even when the longing is for something “good”, we’re meant to be satisfied and content right where we are. Moving to that hut or village won’t instantly make me feel needed or used or important or valid, I will have simply moved.

I’m not discounting those options at all, I still fully plan on doing so one day (even though you know what they say about when we plan 😉 ) but doing so with the wrong intent, or to find some self worth will only lead to the same longing I can feel right here in Tallahassee.

My heart still longs for more, but I’m working to point it to Christ and Christ alone, and let the rest land where it may. Doing good doesn’t satisfy (even when we think were doing it for Christ) if we are not ourselves saturated and whole in Jesus. When the focus is on Jesus, we will see His heart right where we are. We will be satisfied in waiting and sitting with Him, because He is enough.

I so often forget this thing called grace. That He is always moving in my direction, its not me stretching and working for Him, its Him coming down to be with and work through me. So right now, I will sit with Him. I will rest in knowing that I have Him right now, and He is enough.

the run.

“Nope, physically,  I just don’t bloat.”

Anyone?

[Bridesmaids]

Megan is in my opinion the funniest character in the movie. And then this line? HIGH-larious.

Well, unlike Megan I was not blessed with such a gift.

raw foods = bloating.

Just in case you were wondering. 😉

My summer classes started today! It’s going to be an intense six weeks, but I’m excited. It felt good to be sitting in a class room again. Since changing my major last semester, school feels a whole lot different. I want to dig in to it. I didn’t mind my science classes before, but I feel like I’m meant to be a part of the classes I’m sitting in now. Theres a purpose in them that sparks my heart. And my heart needed that. I’m so grateful for the ability and the opportunity to learn these things. (theres also this super handsome cutie in both of my classes and he sat by me in both of them, but thats beside the point 😉 )

I did Insanity this morning, went to class, and then had work from three to ten. It was a busy day. I loved it. I love to be busy, to feel productive. Which is why that whole waiting on the Lord can be hard for me. I’m a goal-orientated, production loving, perfection junkie and its hard for me to let that go in most of the things I do.

School. Faith. Work. Food. Relationships.

Its there.

Which is why this book is exactly what I needed. Theres grace that covers even this part of me. 

Thats why I didn’t freak out when I couldn’t finish the last fifteen minutes of my work out this morning. Why I wasn’t as upset with myself over the dark chocolate cashews I had at work. (Seriously, a customer didn’t want them and the front end people got to split them. Seriously, tonight?) So yes I ate some. But I also felt much better (despite the bloating) and know I am making progress.

I’m moving forward, “palms up”, keeping grace in front of me, and running towards Christ. 

In school. In faith. In work. In food. In relationships.

Its discipline soaked in grace. And its all, all, all about Christ.

 

 

grace or the good girl ~ week 2.

If I could pick one book (other than the Bible) and hold it up while dancing around and screaming “Hallelujah!”, this book would be it.

Each new chapter I read, I let out a long sigh. Emily’s words bring to light what I have been fighting for so long, and by grace, those chains are being loosened.

So lets get into it shall we?

How are you doing today?

Emily talks about hiding behind the “fine” that is the normal “good girl” answer. Not too overbearing, has everything together, and is “fine” through it all. Sometimes we really are “fine”, but a lot of the time it suffocates the words that really want to come out. It allows fear to rule. I hide behind fine, because who wants to hear all the junk rattling around in my head? Thats where the bulk of my battle is. I don’t have a lot of actual drama in my life (Praise the Lord), but my struggles with insecurity are just as real. Hiding behind the fine is easier and more comfortable than trying to let you in to the craziness of my head.

But the hiding, is still hiding. And hiding is not growing. Hiding is not grace. I don’t have to hash out every detail when someone asks how I am, but I can share more than “fine.”

Being confident to share more reassures that my identity is in Christ alone. My identity is not in what anyone else thinks of me or even what I think they think of me. It’s not in what I’m doing to be a “better Christian” or how “good” my answers are.

On Pg. 65 Emily writes, “Anything we do to get life and identity outside of Christ is an idol, even service to Christ. He doesn’t want my service, He wants me.”

These chapters revealed to me how much I have been focused on pleasing God instead of being in a relationship with Him. I was so wrapped up in what I was going to do for the Kingdom thinking that was what God wanted from me. And as a good girl, it had to be perfect. Yes God has a plan for me, but God is not a business. He didn’t create us to simply do His work on this planet. That work comes from the overflow of praise we have for Him, once we know Him.

Who am I to think that if I don’t do something, its not going to get done? I can’t do everything, but God can. My identity is not in what I do or don’t do, but rests in what Christ has already done for me.

He doesn’t want my to-do lists or plans, He wants me to trust Him.

“But once I trust God, pleasing Him is automatic.” -pg. 65

He simply wants me. Me with all my messiness. Me with all my insecurity. Me.

I will rest in that.

 

grace for the good girl.

I mentioned a few posts back about a book I was reading. A book that made me want to scream with every part of me that has fought for so long to be “good.” A book that put words to the false feelings of inadequacy, to the fear of being overbearing, and to the worry about doing the “right” thing.

This next month and a half or so I’ll be joining hundreds of other women diving into grace for the good girl by emily p. freeman, and I couldn’t be more excited. So many good girls tired of trying to beat the inner battle raging inside coming together. So many good girls learning to walk in the grace that is only found in Christ.

This first week we’re discussing the first three chapters. I highlighted and underlined no less than half of each page. It talks about hiding behind this good girl mask that makes us feel comfortable. Good girls don’t make waves, they do whats expected, or even better they go above and beyond to try and impress with their “goodness”. They don’t want to be a burden or express any sign of weakness, they want to have it all together. But inside they are struggling. They never think they are good enough.

This is me. I’m a good girl.

I’ve never had a desire to be anything else. I’ve never just wanted to be rebellious. But my desire to be good trumps everything else. I hide in the identity of being the “good Christian” instead of the identity of me.

Hannah- Daughter of the Most High King. Redeemed by the blood of Christ. Forgiven. Free. Inseparable from the love of God. Cherished. Beautiful. Enough.

My desire to be good has grown a fear in me. A fear that tells me I’m not enough. I’m not pretty enough, I’m not bubbly enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not a good enough daughter, sister, student, christian.  Thats when we lose sight of love. God did not give us the spirit of fear. Any fear we have is not from Him. He is love.

“Fear drives.

But Love leads.”

-pg. 19

Love calls us into grace. Love gives us that identity that sets us free from that good girl hiding place. Love leads us to the arms of Christ. Love leads.

time.

How is it already May 31st?

Wasn’t it just my birthday? (Thats March 17th, in case you were wondering or want to start counting down 😉 )

It seems with every change of the month or holiday we hear a “Can you believe its already…?”

It recently hit me that I’m halfway done with college. What?? It is kind of blowing my mind that I am a JUNIOR.

I have 1.5 ~ 2 years left here and I don’t want to waste one more second of it. Which is why I’m using these next three months to do absolutely nothing. I’ll watch netflix all day and get all my lazies out of the way before school starts.

That was a good one right?

I am constantly thinking about whats next. What will I do after school? What will I do next summer? What am I going to have for dinner? And it doesn’t stop when I reach the point I was thinking about. There will always be something better because it is made up in our heads to be perfect. We fantasize and create idealistic pictures that dance around and tell us that our present is not good enough. When we do that, the present will never be good enough.

I’ve allowed so much of my time to be stolen by thoughts. I miss out on the beautiful moment right in front of me because I’m thinking about how it could be different if I was ___.

California was a vacation. And what do you do on vacation? Whatever the heck you want! For me, that meant I could eat whatever I want. But for someone who has a tricky relationship with food, it messed up the rest of my experience a little bit. I was thinking about what “bad” food I would eat next, eat it, feel guilty, and then miss something because my mind was so wrapped up in this cycle of thoughts.

Theres no “on and off” switch for sin.  The same temptation and same sugary junk food is available here too. (Not saying eating a cookie is sin, but the mindset we take to it can be.) We can’t give in to whatever we want because we took a plane ride. Its a lit harder to turn something “off” then it was to turn “on”. Theres no on and off switch for thoughts that take things from us. But there is a way out.

Do you know Him? 😉

The last three months of this summer are going to be the kickstart for the rest of my life. (Cheesy I know). I’m laying this crazy mess down and filling up with the grace of Christ. Its not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. Oh, so worth it. I’m not willing to let wayward thoughts take any more time from me. We are only promised today, and I want to live each of them.