day two: no more comparing.

After I wrote my first post yesterday, I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to say. But that’s silly, I have a LOT to say. I was really just worried that what I did have to say wouldn’t mean anything, that my 31 days wouldn’t be to the same caliber of all the other wonderful ones out there. But those are the same thoughts that lead to silence. The thoughts of comparing and casting a downward eye on what I might have to offer.I am so easily sucked in to the comparison trap to tear me down or to build me up. Either way, it has the same crippling, silencing affect.

Any time we compare, we are putting more value in the world’s opinion that God’s. We are saying that the world’s opinion of us is more important that how the Lord sees us. We are allowing our minds to wonder to how we should fit a certain role better. It is discounting God’s wisdom in thinking we should have been put in a different place, a different body, a different personality. We compare because we are trying to please ourselves, not the Lord.

 

“For am I now trying to win the favor of people, or God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be slave of Christ.”

                  -Galatians 1:10

 

If true healing is found in the blood of Christ, then I have to lay myself down as He did. I have to surrender my desire to be accepted and acknowledged by people. I must run away from the earthly standards I’ve been trying to fulfill and run hard and fast toward the Cross.

day one: no longer silent

“The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul. 

The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making the wise simple. 

The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.

The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.”

                                                            -Psalm 19:7-8 

We’ve all heard that saying that the first step to recovery is admitting theres a problem. When ever I hear that saying I think of my dad talking to my brothers about video games.

“Its not an addiction, dad!”

“You know, the first sign of addiction is denial.” {smirking}

Man, I miss them.

But this idea of admitting doesn’t just come from addiction specialists or psychologists. John wrote about the need to confess thousands of years ago, saying

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” -1 John 1:9

It is really easy for me to keep everything wound up, letting it run over and over in my mind without actually speaking it. This silence seems easier momentarily, maybe even the “Christian” thing to do by not being burdensome. But silence is never healing. Silence doesn’t allow us to enter in to His grace. By being silent, we are submitting to the law mentality, that we haven’t done enough or earned enough. Silence discounts the gift of grace, the gift of healing.

When we speak, we can rest in His words because ours are no longer making a mess in our hearts and minds. We can look to His words, which bring life and refresh the soul.

Words that heal the depths we think are too broken to even talk about.

 

 

 

when you’re hungry.

“Sometimes you are so hungry that the only you can be fed is to fast.” -Susan Gregory, Author of The Daniel Fast

I’ve been in a funk.

Call it exhausted, call it unfocused, call it an influx of hormones, call it hungry.

I’ve been all over the place lately and its time to reel it in, but not by me.

Yesterday was one of those “last days.” But it was different. I went to Books a Million to sip on a soy latte and spend the day among the books. I went to a cute little French Bakery for lunch and had a veggie scone and cannoli. At work, the girl in the bakery asked if I wanted a little cup of cookie dough, I mean, come on.

But something happened yesterday, other than the normal stomach ache. These things I was filling myself with didn’t hold any weight (other than the bloated tummy I woke up with). I felt the same dull ache in my heart that was there before. These things don’t satisfy. I’m sorry I’m like a broken record with all this stuff, its the “sheep” in me. 😉

Oh, this feeling hurts, this feeling of searching and not finding, of something that once seemed like it might help loose its luster. And I hurt when I see it in others. When I see people chasing the drugs, the sex, the alcohol, the video games, the junk food, the media, the money, the self image, to try and satisfy. These material things will lose there luster, and the dullness will set in. I feel it, but I know the Way out, I just forget sometimes.

In this modern world we live in, we have so many opportunities to fill those spaces. We feel we have to be constantly connected to media, and constantly be fulfilled in some way. We have been trained thanks to the busy-ness of all of our lives, overly rich food, and all our toys that each minute we are meant to be happy. This messes us up. This messes with our relationship with the Lord, and what it looks like to truly follow Christ.

I’m currently reading “7: An experimental mutiny against excess” by Jen Hatmaker and let me tell you, it is messing me up. She does a seven month long fast, where she focuses on a different area of excess each month including food, clothes, possessions, media, waste, spending, and stress. It reads like a journal, but there is so much truth in each entry.

I’m embarking on my own. Not the same as Jen’s. Not a Daniel fast (but very similar). But a fast.

I’m starting with 30 days and I’ll go from there.

I’m still working/praying over the specifics but so far heres what I have.

{The Food Part}

• A vegan diet
• No sugar
• No coffee
• No fried food
• Food with minimal processing and packaging.

Each week (maybe two)  I’m going to focus on a different area like media (big one), money, waste, my campus, etc. I’ve got lots of topics.

Today was day one.

I’m hungry.

 

 

why not?

To recap a little, the leadership retreat was amazing. I was a ball of nerves the whole way there and literally as soon as I stepped out of the car I felt the nerves slip away. It was so encouraging to be with so many other students who want to see Florida State turned upside down for the Gospel.

That also worked on my “I just want to move to another country” mentality to remind me of the importance of being at FSU. I “knew” that it was important for me to be here in terms of education, but was missing the mark about what I was really doing.

Today after my first class I helped trade surveys for ice pops with cru. The last three questions asked if they wanted more info on a relationship with God, if they were interested in a Bible study, and if they were interested in cru. They can mark yes, no, or maybe. The yeses made me happy, but it was the maybes that got me, there were so many! So many students are at least curious about God, maybe even open to Him. Yes, the harvest is great.

The church I’m going to has a saying, “why not Tallahassee?” Well, why not? The pastor said that he believes if the campus is changed, the city will be changed. If the city is changed, the state will be changed. If the state is changed, the country will be changed. If the country is changed, the whole world will be changed. We can’t do that, but Jesus can. The Gospel can. People are hungry. The harvest is great.

Why not, Tallahassee?

I’m starting this school year with a prayer to be intentional. I’m praying that the Lord would open my eyes to the hurting all around me and the healing power of the Gospel. I’m praying that I would be bold, for I am not ashamed of the Gospel. I’m praying that I would not grow weary, but always keep my eyes on Christ and be renewed by Him. Its not going to be easy to change the world, but He can do it.

Why not, {insert your location}?

 

to the weekend we go.

The rest continues as I move into the weekend. After work today, I’ll be preparing to head to the beach. FSUCRU has their leadership retreat this weekend and I’m so excited I get the opportunity to go.

Retreats are always a little challenging for me. I have to constantly remind myself to breath. That I have nothing to prove because I am already made whole. I have to calm my nerves and remind my heart that it could never be made any fuller by other people’s approval. Even with brothers and sisters in Christ, I have to silence the urge to compare. My goodness, what would I do without grace?

 

So, I’m entering the weekend reminding myself of my roots in Christ, roots that can always grow deeper, roots that grow the most with rains of grace. I’m entering this weekend surrendering my fears and choosing to be present.

I hope your weekend is filled with rest. I hope you’re reminded of your roots, and how much you’ve grown. I hope you are found in a moment of awe at the ability to surrender.

To the weekend we go!

 

the race.

Times at home always go by way too fast. I head back to Tally tonight, and have a busy week before classes start. I just got done with summer classes, but I’m looking forward to fall. The new year, the new students, the change of weather, ahh I can’t wait for fall weather.

My dad’s sermon on Sunday reminded me of one of my favorite verses.

 

“Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us,  keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne.

-Hebrews 12:12-2

As I start this new semester, I’ll keep these words on my heart. I’ll pray these over my days and my thoughts. I’ll remember the LORD calls us to holiness, which is only possible by keeping my eyes on Jesus.

I’ve been thinking about my goals for this semester this week and I want this verse to shape them. I’m entering this semester with a fresh dose of encouragement and excitement for all that the LORD has in store!

What are you currently looking forward to? Is there something you are expecting and allowing the LORD to shape in your heart? 

moments over fear.

Sometimes the reason I don’t blog is because I have so much that I want to talk about. Sometimes trying to push through all the branches in my head and try to make a coherent picture seems too exhausting. So I keep the picture hidden, until I have the courage to push through. But nothing comes out of fear.

I mentioned in my last post how I was trying to be more relaxed about what I was eating. To soak in the moment and so savor whats on my plate. In the very full day at Universal with my seven other family members on my dad’s side (we were missing my oldest brother), I remember moments. When I look back I’ll think of waiting in the blaring sun for a show that lasted ten boring minutes. I’ll hear my brother yelling “POOP” when the lights went out. I’ll remember the two hour wait talking to an older guy for a kiddy-minute roller coaster. I’ll remember the butterbeers, my first bite of fish in three years, calling my brother a piranha, meaning paria, and getting to spend the day with my family (we missed ya Ben!). We laughed, we sweated, we whined (some more than others 😉 ), and we made memories.

 

I didn’t think about what I was going to eat all day. I didn’t worry about how many calories were in the Butterbeer (I don’t even want to know) or that there weren’t any super healthy choices. And that can be a little scary for me. Not obsessing about it means that I have to be present, allowing myself to not hide behind food. Now, it was a little easier because it was with my family, but for me that was a perfect place to start.

So I don’t know exactly what this means from here on out. But I know I’m going to feed my soul first. In The Word, and in moments that fill it up. I’ll move and exercise because it make me fell good and strong, not out of obligation. I’ll eat out of response to caring for my body, foods that are good for me and good for the environment. Choosing to let grace cover the legalistic thoughts that tell me I should do otherwise. I’ll choose moments over fear, grace over hiding. I’ll choose Him, and let the rest fall where it may.

right now.

sigh.

I’m done telling myself that I’m going to blog regularly.

The only reason I’m blogging right now is because I’m procrastinating the homework that has been haunting me all day.

sigh.

But I’m here now, so {hopefully} I’ll make the most of it!

In fact, thats what I want to talk about. Being here. Right now.

At the beginning of the summer, I talked a lot about the anxiety I had over the future. What I would do, where I would be, and most importantly, would it matter? I wanted (and still do) to feel like I was doing something, something important. I long to be on the front lines, so to speak, of my faith. Living in a hut, in a village with no electricity, with the homeless, with the sick, with the orphans, to see God move.

I know in my head that getting a degree is important, and that it will help me do whatever I’m going to do, but my heart longs for more. Thats it though, its my heart that longs for more. Its my need to feel needed and used and important and valid, that has me longing. Even when the longing is for something “good”, we’re meant to be satisfied and content right where we are. Moving to that hut or village won’t instantly make me feel needed or used or important or valid, I will have simply moved.

I’m not discounting those options at all, I still fully plan on doing so one day (even though you know what they say about when we plan 😉 ) but doing so with the wrong intent, or to find some self worth will only lead to the same longing I can feel right here in Tallahassee.

My heart still longs for more, but I’m working to point it to Christ and Christ alone, and let the rest land where it may. Doing good doesn’t satisfy (even when we think were doing it for Christ) if we are not ourselves saturated and whole in Jesus. When the focus is on Jesus, we will see His heart right where we are. We will be satisfied in waiting and sitting with Him, because He is enough.

I so often forget this thing called grace. That He is always moving in my direction, its not me stretching and working for Him, its Him coming down to be with and work through me. So right now, I will sit with Him. I will rest in knowing that I have Him right now, and He is enough.

today. {a not as loving, but similar letter}

I kind of like this letter writing thing. So today, I’m writing a letter to, well, TODAY.

Oh, Today, you got me good.

You wake me up to do icky school forms and show me I have to refile one that will take a while to get here. Then you lead me to class where I realize the paper that I KNEW was in my binder is in fact, not in my binder.

You have me walking around campus, feeling that tug of annoyance of the surplus all around, and the guilt in knowing I’ve been a part of it. You got me in that cynical “I just want to move to another country” mood.

I’m sorry today, you’re only half way through, and I’m glad I get to live through ya, but come on.

The good news is you also brought me to that thoughtful place these kind of circumstances can do. You brought me to The Word, which I know I have been slacking on lately. You brought me to those out-loud prayers I need to do more of.

You brought me to remember that Your Father creates this day and He says, to live in the world but not of the world. He says, you can be cynical and grouchy or you can help fix it. He says, don’t focus on the day, focus on ME.

So today, the rest of you will be better. It will be spent with more Truth, it will be spent with puppies at the shelter that need love (I started volunteering last week and love it! And I haven’t and won’t be bringing home any, don’t worry 😉 ) and it will be spent in choosing joy.

Take that, today!

 

funny things.

Two funny things happened to me this week.

Earlier in the week I noticed my right hip was bothering me a little. I hadn’t done Insanity or ran since last Thursday so I didn’t think too much off it. But as the day went on it started to hurt worse. And it wasn’t just my hip, it was my butt. It was like the muscle down my right butt check had locked up. So I feel asleep with a bag of peas on my butt.

Good times.

Its feeling much better now after taking a little break from Insanity and stretching a lot, but still.. this is my life.

And then, do you remember that cute boy I mentioned in one little line in a post a few days ago?

I had my hopes raised and then dashed as I found out he’s a Christian, but…

He’s gay.

Yup.

I think God was laughing a little bit with me this week. Too often we picture God as the Ruler, the mighty and just sitting on His throne, as the God who wiped out the earth with a flood or kicked Adam and Eve out of Paradise. Its easy to think of God this way when were in trouble, when we’ve messed up, thinking we deserve the same wrath.

We overlook the times when God parted the seas for His people, or protected them in a furnace or a lion’s den. We forget that God is for us. That even though we deserve all those things, He still sent His son for us.

He sent His Son so we could be saved and forgiven and free. He sent His Son so we could laugh.

The weight of our sin is lifted and sometimes we just need to laugh.

Let you shoulders fall as the stress goes with them. Take a deep breath. Think about pulling a muscle in your butt, or thinking about a gay guy. Think about those times you got stomach stitches and had tears in your eyes. And just laugh.

Laugh in grace, laugh in freedom, and laugh with Him.