a bigger love

Trying to recap the trip in one post feels like the question, “How was your trip?”

How do I begin to try and answer that?

It was great. I learned so much. I feel different. I miss it.

It’s when I have to explain that I get a little tied up. It’s when I’m back in the States for a week and still feel a little off. Did that trip really happen? Am I really starting my senior year, thinking about grad school or teaching abroad?

Despite a bit of displacement, the time in Guatemala is still changing me. That time is still changing me, because of how God changed me, showed me more of Him, taught me how to draw closer to Him, taught me how to try and listen to Him, and how He changes everything.

This was not what I was expecting to learn in Guatemala. I expected to spend the whole summer in love with the beauty of the country and its people, to form relationships with kids and families that would break my heart to leave. Which, I did. Guatemala is vastly beautiful, mountains, volcanoes, black sand beaches, and cool breezes all day long. Most of the people are kind and naturally generous, willing to talk and share their lives with complete strangers (and gringos). And I loved it there. But I fell in love with the Lord more.

I wanted to fall in love with Guatemala more, and I was angry with God that that wasn’t happening. I wasn’t making the relationships I wanted or living in a low income-crowded area, but rather living in a pretty nice neighborhood in a house with walls, working with cerebral palsy patients, on a coffee farm, hoeing fields and moving dirt. And I wouldn’t have traded any part of it. Through all the broken expectations, God continued to show me that He is more, that He is where my love will grow.

If I would have had it my way, my heart would be a whole lot more broken right now. I miss my team and Guatemala so much, but my heart is still full because His love never leaves me. The One I fell in love with, is the same where ever I am. He is the same at all times, in all circumstances. I feared I would’t feel Him the same way I did there, but that was simply a lie. God is still in Guatemala loving all the people we met there, and He is still with all my teammates pursuing and loving them. He is still with me and always will be.

I can honestly say these past two months have changed my life because I found a Love that changes everything. Regardless of circumstances, time, or emotions, God is the same love I got to know more of in Guatemala and will continue to know the rest of my life.

the beauty and necessity of knowing we’re pursued.

If theres one sure thing I have learned in college it is this-

To question everything.

Pull every article a part, check the facts, take a stance, support it, and then argue against yourself, push and dig for truth. (Which, as an English major, anything can be truth if it’s well supported, so there’s that.)

This exercise is good in truth seeking, but it can also produce a tendency for cynicism. Sometimes it seems the more truth we seek, the harder the truths are. We learn about trafficking children for adoptions or brothels, female genital mutilation, and gang politics in inner cities severely straining education just to name a few.

It’s easy to believe we are incapable of making any real change because we are just single people and these are huge issues. It’s easy then to excuse ourselves for becoming detached, allowing the physical separation to become emotional as well. Its easy to get stuck thinking that the whole world is just terrible and theres nothing we can do about it. (Cue Matilda’s dad, “I’m big you’re little, and there’s nothing you can do about it!” )

Thats the thing about cynicism, it’s crippling. For one thing, it usually (at least for me) carries an air of self righteousness in wondering how people could do these things, meaning I am thinking I am better because I wouldn’t do that. (Which is false because as my pastor says, the only difference between me and them is Jesus). So we don’t do anything because we are too “good” or because we think we can’t possibly make a difference.

Once I get down from my high horse and realize I am sinful too, that I need Jesus just as much as they do, I wonder how easy it would have been for God to be cynical towards us. He has every reason to, doesn’t He? He has given us everything, He has delivered us and forgiven us, yet we are still messy, rebellious people. He has every right to turn away from us because we are just too bad, but He doesn’t. He chooses to send His only Son. Jesus chooses to come down to the mess we have made of His beautiful creation and offer redemption.

The beauty of Jesus is that He comes into my mess, right in the middle of my tendency for cynicism, my insecurity, my idols, my lack of faith, my choosing sin over Jesus, and then trying to manage it all without Him. He reminds me that He still pursues me, He specifically  seeks me out to love and redeem over and over. He could look at how awful we all are and not pursue anyone, but He doesn’t. He goes after each and everyone of us individually, and I am so glad He does. How beautiful that He still goes after the one lost sheep?

When I feel like I can’t make a difference, that things are just too messed up and I am just one person, I have to remember the beauty of still pursuing. I have to remember that I can’t actually do anything, but Jesus can do everything. He can restore a girl’s worth, a child’s home, give dignity and grace. And He still does regardless of the numbers or measure of difference because He loves each and every one of us. He loves each of us enough to fight this broken world to rescue just one.

He continues to show me how He pursues me and I too often don’t give it the weight it deserves. I have to acknowledge and cherish above all else the beauty of this pursuit, of this great Love, so I can do the same for others. I pray for these horrendous issues terrorizing so many, but more so I pray that we would never stop fiercely pursuing the victims they way Jesus does, even for just one.

 

a safe insecurity

I’m not sure when I noticed how I would lock up, when I lost that child like instinct of community free of judgements and self conscious thoughts. Watching children engage with each other, and even adults, reveals how people could act without the societal conditioning that simply comes from living. Children don’t think of the proper thing to say or do, they just say and do what they want. They don’t think of the effects of what they say or do, of how people will think of them or what they do will say about them, they just do it. They’re not thinking about themselves in the way so many of us do in community.

Now I know they’re selfish in a different way, thinking about their wants or not thinking of how their actions and words could hurt others, but just think of that image of childlike community for a minute. How different would communities, both religious and secular, look if people were to stop thinking of themselves? Of course this sounds elementary, silly even, for a couple reasons. For one thing asking non-religious people to do anything that doesn’t benefit them directly doesn’t make sense. Not in a negative way, they just don’t have any reason to. And for religious (referring to Christianity) something like this seems obvious. Of course Christians should be thinking of others, but the problem is that we don’t. We engage in relationships by thinking of how another person thinks of us, what we should say or do to make a person think of us a certain way; we think of others only by associating them to something about us. We can’t get out of our own heads, our own character bubble (who we think we are), to get to deep heart ties and hard community. We’re stuck in superficial surface relationships based on similar styles and music tastes.

(Clearly I’m mostly talking about me here.)

I’ve so often equated how I freeze up around others to shyness or insecurity (If you know me well, you KNOW I’m not shy), but more often then not I’m simply stuck thinking of how the other person will think of me if I say/do the next thing. I’m more worried about how I’m building the person I want people to think I am rather than being present with the beautiful person in front of me. So I can’t call it insecurity anymore. I’m either being self-centered or I’m not fully trusting in Jesus.

With Guatemala coming up and knowing I will be meeting lots of new people, a fear (which is not from the Lord) began creeping up, telling me I would succumb to insecurity because I’m probably not as ____ as all the others. (whatever it was for the day). As I began praying and thinking about this, the fear of being insecure started to fade. Not because I suddenly realized exactly “who I am” (which I think is the silliest phrase ever, but thats another post), but because Jesus showed me how it is good to be insecure. In fact, if I ever feel comfortable on my own, in my own words or actions, I am back to being stuck in my character bubble, separated from Jesus. When I am insecure in who I am, I have to rest and trust fully in Jesus, in Who He is, what He would say, and what He would do. When I trust fully in Him, I have to lay all of who I am down, which means I can enter in to community with a clear head and be present. Then it’s easier to get past the superficial connections because most of those are based on how we build up ourselves, rather than pouring into and making deeper connections with each other.

So I will be insecure on this trip, I pray I will learn to be insecure and trust more and more in Him for the rest of my life. I pray I could flee from trying to satisfy the desire to establish “who I am”, but rather surrender all I am, all my mess and insecurities, so Jesus could be fully present in me.

 

HEY LOOK (an update)

IM BLOGGING!!

Not working on final papers. 😉

I’ve got about 17-18 days until I’m done with this semester, not that I’m counting, but its starting to hit me just a little that next year is senior year. I’m SO glad I decided not to pursue graduating early because that would be even scarier. This semester is almost done and then I’ll be spending most of my summer in Guatemala, which I still haven’t fully processed yet either. I started thinking about packing the other day and that certainly makes it seem more real. I have to fit eight weeks of life including a sleeping bag/camera/water bottle/journal/bible/toiletries/snackies/shoes/etc. into less than a 50lb backpack. Which, I also have to get. (Tax refund, please hurry).

I am incredibly excited for Guatemala, but with the impending reality of senior year my mind has been skipping to next summer, next year, careers and “real” life. When I changed my major last year, it felt so right and still does, but I think a big part of why it does is changing. When I changed from dietetics to English I did so thinking it would be a fun major, just to get a degree and then go into mission work or teaching abroad. I knew I wanted to teach eventually, after a few fun years wander lusting I could come back and settle back into that “real life.” I still have some of that desire, but recently I’ve been drawn to other options. This also means that I’ve been researching it far and wide, thinking about it nonstop- wondering if I would be accepted, wishing I had a slightly higher GPA/more volunteer experience/ more leadership roles/etc..

And since my ever-faithful family readers, you are probably wondering what this is I’m thinking about I guess I’ll tell ya. I’ve been intrigued about the Teach For America program for a little while and my desire to teach in an inner city continued to grow. But after some mixed reviews from people that have done it and some researching, I began looking into other options. So one morning when I couldn’t sleep, I found the United Teacher Residency program. Its based of the medical residency approach where you apply to become a “resident” and do a year of grad school/interning and commit 3-4 years of teaching in an inner city. Most of them are pretty competitive, and I would be applying in the fall which is why I’ve been thinking so much about it (really, for only the last couple weeks). And really, The Lord might totally change my heart for something else, and I know that if this is where He wants me then it will happen someway, but trusting in that can be hard. Plus, I know God is constantly reminding me (even right now) that I have no reason to stress/worry about these things, just work as all things are for His glory and He will take care of the rest.

So in the midst of all these final papers and projects, and the always ominous “future” thoughts, things feel like they are coming quick. My Guatemala trip will be here before I know it, then senior year and all that holds will be right around the corner. Once I get through these final weeks, I know I can focus on getting ready for that and will hopefully be consistent in blogging through that process. 🙂

If you’re still reading, major props. I just really needed to process and share it with the world.  😉 I write all these things knowing that I could look back on this and laugh. Maybe the Lord is laughing now, because He already knows and He’s saying, “Hannah, my silly child, just trust me.” Maybe He uses these times when I think too much to remind me that whatever I do and wherever I am I’m called to love Him and love others.

So with this inconclusive ending, I say goodnight. AND Be back soon. 🙂

days 15 &16: walls

I have so much I want to tell you. But I can’t.

I want to tell you that I think you’re wonderful. That I think we could be really good friends. Maybe we should grab some coffee, or just sit outside sometime. I would love to enter in to this community thing with you. We could talk about Jesus and what He’s doing in our lives, or what we’re waiting on Him to do. We could challenge each other and keep each other accountable to the things that convict us in the most loving of ways. We could make each other sharp. We could make each other feel like the lovely sisters of Christ that we are.

I want to tell you exactly how I’m feeling and I want you to feel comfortable doing the same. I want drop the guise and the pretenses of what we think friendships and community should look like. I want to make you feel valued and loved no matter what you are walking through. I want you to know that I can help, that I want to help, that me helping you will help me.

I want to pray for you. I want to drop the worry or discomfort of what you are thinking of me and just be a friend, be a sister.

I want to grow with you, grow deeper in friendship and deeper in Christ, knowing that His love casts out all fear. And without fear, there are true relationships.

But I get stuck. I put up my wall of fear and worry about what you are thinking of me, if I’m doing too much, too little. Am I talking too much about Jesus, or not enough? Am I funny enough? People seem to like that. Do I look like I could be your friend? Do you like what I’m wearing?

I put up these walls over and over. I’m insecure and worried about what others are thinking. I hide from community when its exactly what I need.

But I know theres hope. I know that His love casts out all fear, that I am whole and complete and mostly, HIS. I know that He is there with me and wants to break through those walls to bring me into His healing. It takes time, it takes prayer, but there is Hope. There is deep, deep healing so those walls never have to go up again.

 

day ten: thoughts

I’m a day dreamer, a drifter.

I’ll be in class or at work and just drift away, somehow ending up on a thought that I have no idea how I got to.

Sometimes I think too much. You know, the “what if” game. I’ll let a circumstance run over and over again in my head, thinking off all the different ways it could have happened or what each thing that did happen means. It gets a little messy in there.

I could probably think about something all day long. I’ve done it before with food. I’ll think about what I’m going to do after college, what I’m doing in college, and then just day dream about what I hope those things will look like. Its easy to drift. And usually, when I;m thinking about something so much, I can’t create space for God to move in them. I can’t soak in the Word, because I’m too preoccupied with “stuff”.

Last night at community group we talked about Romans 12:1-2 and how important our thoughts are. Usually what we are thinking about the most, is what we are worshiping. Do I think about the Lord the most? No. Am I keeping His Word above all other thoughts, allowing it to take authority over the drifting? Not most of the time.

My thoughts are where I get in trouble- the judgements, the world-views, what I dwell on too much. All these things take up the space the Lord wants to fill, the space that brings healing. When we’re intentional with our thoughts by dwelling on Him, He brings in the Holy Spirit, and where He is, there is Healing.

“Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.”

Romans 12:2

day nine: to lay down

I’m a good rule follower. And I’m bad at lying about it. You’ll know because I’m laughing, or hiding. (Usually the first)

My dad was holding a half eaten slice of cheese and my brothers and I were standing in a line. “So, who did it?” He asked, holding the cheese wrapper between his fingers.

I didn’t do it. At least, I don’t think I did. But I laughed anyway and my dad thought I did. I just kept laughing.

Memories like this pop in and out of my head, times I did something wrong or even just had the feeling of doing something wrong, and I laugh or hide. I like following rules. I like feeling “on top of things” and checking things off my to-do list.

But healing doesn’t come through a to-do list.

 

Healing doesn’t come in good report cards or a full schedule. Healing comes in surrender, in laying down the very things that we think define us. We must lay down the law, the idea and picture of what “good” looks like, the rules we’ve created in our heads, how others tell us to live. We must lay down our desires, even the desire for healing. We die to ourselves, through Christ. our old bodies don’t need healing anymore, they are dead.

We surrender, we lay down, we die. We arise in Christ and allow Him to cover us in grace, knowing the law has no affect on these new bodies. We walk in that surrender and that newness, each day. This is where we are healed.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died for nothing.” 

Galatians 2: 19-21

day eight: forming the conversation

Here’s why I blog- I know there are others out there.

I know there are others who struggle with having a healthy relationship with food, while also being healthy.

I know other people fight between using food for fuel and something it was not intended for.

Besides the fact that it also helps me in the process, I write so we can bring this issue to table. Because we need to. We as a culture, but more importantly, we as Believers.

My church is doing a series right now called “Trending” where we talk about big issues “the church” needs to address. The pastor discussed how so many times Christians shy away from hard topics of sexuality, health, drugs, politics, etc.. But he believes (and so do I) that we as Believers should be the ones forming the conversation on these topics. We do have the Word of God after all.

I’ve shied away from talking about big things “cultural” things that I didn’t think mattered since I was a Christian. Boy, was I wrong.

The rising obesity rate? The fact that this generation of children are expected to live 5 years less than the previous one. 5 YEARS. The fact that girls (and guys) are hiding themselves in food, trying to use it to fill a space in their heart. The fact that people are dying due to diseases that are 100 percent preventable. I could go on, but the point is these things are on God’s heart.

We are called to be in the world, not of it. We are called to speak Truth into darkness. We are called to be a city on a hill, shining for the whole world to see. We can’t shy away from big, scary, “worldly” issues anymore. We have to form the conversation. Because that, kind of like I said before, is the first step to healing. And we, as Believers, can show the way to true healing, only in the Lord.

 

day five: loving discomfort

Crouds make me nervous. That instant panic of not seeing anyone you know. Only seeing the backs of people standing in their groups, knowing they all already know someone. The introvert in me wants to run.

I’ve run before. I’ve left early because it got too uncomfortable. I’ve skipped out on things to sit in my bed and read, telling myself that being introverted was just part of who I am. But thats a big, bold-face, lie.

Theres a difference between part of who we are and growing into something more. And growth, can hurt a little. Growth can be uncomfortable. (Charlie horses anyone??)

Last night at cru, I got there early and all the groups were formed. I know a lot of the people at cru, so its gotten easier, but there is still that little twinge that tells me I’ll be the awkward loner standing in a corner. I get the same feeling going to retreats and pretty much anything with large groups of people. But you know what? People kind of like to talk to other people. People like being relational. Every time I’ve been worried, I end up so grateful I didn’t run. I end up grateful for the discomfort because of the blessing.

 

My prayer last night was that I would start to love being uncomfortable. That I would know that when I am most uncomfortable, the Lord will meet me there. That when I am weak, He is strong.

As I’m walking this healing journey, I know its going to get uncomfortable. But I’m going to be growing. I’m going to have engage in that discomfort so I can lean with all I’ve got into the Lord. I’ll learn to love that feeling, knowing that there is a greater blessing on the other side, knowing that theres healing.

day three: don’t give in.

This is it, I thought, my low point.

You know the one they talk about, the rock bottom. The point where you hoist up your pants, strap on your boots, and get movin.

I didn’t think that at first. I didn’t think I could get out since I feel like I’ve been trying for so long. I just wanted to whine.

But in the midst of my whiny prayer, the stillness shook me.

When I was thinking I would just let it be, I would stop fighting and failing, I felt the Lord whisper, “Don’t give in to this.”

 

Those five little words from the right Voice made me stop. The Lord has so much more for me, than I can even imagine, a life that doesn’t involve giving in, or giving up. The feeling of failure or self-pity is not from God. We create those thoughts out of worldly standards and that pesky thing called comparison. When we begin to feel that way, we can not give in. We can find comfort in the fact that He makes all things new, and He can do it again and again. That when were feeling low, He is there ready to pull us out because He has something so much bigger than our feelings.

I’m hoping that was my boot strap moment. That this month I will remember to hoist up my pants each day, knowing the Lord wants more for me, He wants healing.