Crouds make me nervous. That instant panic of not seeing anyone you know. Only seeing the backs of people standing in their groups, knowing they all already know someone. The introvert in me wants to run.
I’ve run before. I’ve left early because it got too uncomfortable. I’ve skipped out on things to sit in my bed and read, telling myself that being introverted was just part of who I am. But thats a big, bold-face, lie.
Theres a difference between part of who we are and growing into something more. And growth, can hurt a little. Growth can be uncomfortable. (Charlie horses anyone??)
Last night at cru, I got there early and all the groups were formed. I know a lot of the people at cru, so its gotten easier, but there is still that little twinge that tells me I’ll be the awkward loner standing in a corner. I get the same feeling going to retreats and pretty much anything with large groups of people. But you know what? People kind of like to talk to other people. People like being relational. Every time I’ve been worried, I end up so grateful I didn’t run. I end up grateful for the discomfort because of the blessing.
My prayer last night was that I would start to love being uncomfortable. That I would know that when I am most uncomfortable, the Lord will meet me there. That when I am weak, He is strong.
As I’m walking this healing journey, I know its going to get uncomfortable. But I’m going to be growing. I’m going to have engage in that discomfort so I can lean with all I’ve got into the Lord. I’ll learn to love that feeling, knowing that there is a greater blessing on the other side, knowing that theres healing.
honestly here 
I love your phrase, “so I can lean with all I’ve got into the Lord.” I went through a devastating season in my marriage six years ago and I asked my counselor how long the grief process would take. She said, “I can’t say for sure, but you will get through it quicker because you are leaning in to the grief (meaning also leaning in to the Lord).” I admire your honesty and your determination to allow God to do His healing work in you. It WILL come. Keep leaning on Him!
Thanks Anne! I had a teacher who told me the same sort of thing. We were all avoiding the hard questions and she told us to push into them. Its stuck with me. Thanks for the encouragement! 🙂
I love this Hannah! You are so like your father and Father in so many ways! But only one of them runs and hides in his room! 😉 I am super excited for our trip! I know this is going to be tough on you because it’s going to be a huge crowd, but knowing some of the ladies like I do you will be warmly welcomed! 🙂 Love you!
haha, very true. I can’t wait for Allume! It took me a while to get really excited, but knowing you’ll be there is helping 🙂 Love ya too!
This is a bold prayer, and I love it: “My prayer last night was that I would start to love being uncomfortable. That I would know that when I am most uncomfortable, the Lord will meet me there.”
I’m not an introvert, but I have one of those personality types that can sense awkwardness in my very bones, almost. I hate it. I want it to go away as soon as possible. I know that’s kept me from building relationships, especially reaching out across cultural/racial/class lines. It has been such a learning curve to be able to trust that the awkwardness and the discomfort is not the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing that can happen is staying there when God is calling me to something more.
Enjoying reading your thoughts about healing. Keep writing, sister!
and by “staying there,” I mean “staying put.” Words are harrrrrd….
Thanks Christina, your words mean so much! (even though they’re hard 😉 )
And I definitellllllly get you on the awkward thing. A lot of the time I feel like I have this sticker on my forehead screaming how uncomfortable and awkward I feel. But like you said, learning thats not the worst thing is so important. Thanks for the sweet comment! 🙂
Loved reading this, Hannah. I can relate. I hate being uncomfortable but it’s such an amazing place of vulnerability which God uses to keep me sharp and in tune with Him. In the end I wouldn’t trade the discomfort for anything.
Love how you said it Jo-Ann, that He uses it to keep us in tune with Him. I’m right there with ya in not trading it, but its sure hard to get used to 😉